It is amazing how such a little four letter word can have so much power over my life.
I am afraid. Afraid I will have to live the majority or a high ratio of my life in this black pit.
Afraid that my symptoms are unfixable. Afraid of having no control. Afraid of time. Afraid of my heart turning cold towards God. Afraid for my son. Afraid of the many years ahead. I am angry that I have been put in a place where the solutions seem slim. I feel envious of others who are Free.
I feel Stuck. Pathetic. Needy. Weak. Confused.
It is hard not to self-pity and I have to try hard not to now, BUT....
I am learning to love God in the suffering. Learning to declare that He is good despite the torture and darkness I feel day in and day out. I am learning to trust him. I am learning to have Faith that He is healing me. Learning that with Him, all things are possible.
I am learning to let go of the person that I want to be...the anger that with these symptoms I don't have the opportunity to be the me I want to be. Realizing that this is an entitlement attitude. I am accepting that I may not be the wife, mother, friend that I had hoped for, but I am still enough for Him. His love is not conditional as ours is.
I am learning that He loves me, and that is enough. I don't need approval from others. I am dying to self more and starting to allow the me He wills for me to manifest. He is helping me take my shame to the cross, and giving me more humility to not be ashamed over what I can't control anymore.
I am learning to like myself despite the weaknesses these "symptoms" bring. I am learning to face my fears and allow the despair and panic to surface so that I can release repressed emotions. I am learning to fight the battle from a resting place.
Most of all, I am learning to have Faith. Faith in a God who wants the best for me, and who is healing me despite what I am feeling and what the enemy is throwing at me.
This is all a learning process of course and I let doubt fill my mind at times, but I am holding on to God's truth and hope as much as I possibly can....and starting to believe that His Word is for ALL, and that He fulfills his Promises to all, its not dependant on diagnoses.
God has been helping me bring up layers of my childhood that need to be dealt with. Although my adult self doesn't feel that it is affecting me, it is still likely stored in my body and sub conscience.
Together with a Christian counsellor we are going through the layers, so my symptoms have been up and down as things in my sub conscience are being stirred up.
"But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed."
Isaiah 53:5
It is amazing that our Jesus CHOSE to do this for us!!
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